shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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