glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
