ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
