final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
