Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
