erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
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Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
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You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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