woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
