the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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