we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
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