the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
