Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
