She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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