I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
