I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
