If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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