Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
These 21 Drunks Said The Darndest Things
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.