So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
