He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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