I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize
