The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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