If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
