i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize