Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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