I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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