hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
