im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
