the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
