I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
