I need to stop coming to work sober
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
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