I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
