I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
