Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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