so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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