i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
