Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
