I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
