Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
