Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
