JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
