You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
