Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
