There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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