Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
