Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
