if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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