We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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