I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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