i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
