I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
