Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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