he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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