those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
