My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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