So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Randomize
