I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
