I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Randomize
