Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
