Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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